He took the days for pageants, became as mad as rabbits, with bushels of bad habits. who could ask for any more?

I blogged 13 times today (this will be 14) and a bunch of that was just writing off the top of my head today. I still don't feel done with it. It's funny, every so often I will just have to write for a while. I think I have a way with words, reading my old stuff I really like it. I just occasionally panic thinking about people reading it. But this is nice because I'm just expressing. I don't have a goal.

I'm boring but overcompensate with headlines and flash.flash.flash. photography

A girl I really don't know is having a rough time. It's blatantly obvious and it's sadder because you know she's trying to hide it. She seems like she's doing super badly. When I was in a position like that I always wondered, I am surrounded by people, why is no one helping? Now I realize. I have no idea what to do with her. Because where do I begin? "I don't know you very well, but you sure have been crying a lot lately. Want to talk about it?" Who says I'm someone who can help her? Who says I'm not? This isn't just a case of trying to be a Mentor and look Mature and Helpful. I care. I really do. She seems like she is really struggling. What do I do? I don't know her. I can't facebook her because to my knowledge she isn't even on facebook. Do I talk to her when I see her next? Do I write her a letter? Or do I just pray completely anonymously? It's not that I haven't thought to pray, it's that sometimes it's nice to know people are praying for you. But I have no idea what she thinks of me so it could be completely unhelpful to reach out to her. My guess is I'm not one of the people she wants to talk to, that if I reach out she won't know what to do. Maybe this is just one of those situations where I may as well try, and assume that she'll appreciate someone noticing. I really have no idea.

Wishes and Regrets

I want to swim with whales. I wish so so so much that I had written down the name of this incredibly talented artist I found. I think about her almost every day and for some reason I always felt like I could find her easily. Nope. I have no idea how. I want to sing in front of people. I want to be famous. I want to not need money. Not that I want to have it just that it were an irrelevant commodity. I want to tell the whole world how I feel, and not chicken out about it. I want to share my life. I want to share my feelings, without people attacking me. I want to visit Russia. I want to be humble. I want to be fluent in Russian. I want people to like me. I want to have an amazing body. I want to feel beautiful without makeup on.

Songs I am fond of at this very moment. I make a lot of these lists.

So close - Jon McLaughlin

This is almost a love song. A very modern, tragic, love that was fated not to be song.

Lost - Michael Bublé

I really, really like this song. A ton. This is one of a few songs i have an incredibly girly reaction to. Something like melting.

Here's a picture of the stunning Scarlett Johansson to keep your attention. Side note: I looked up Christian Bale and Robert Downey Jr., considering putting a couple pictures in to keep my attention but now I am hugely distracted by google images. That backfired, but I don't really care. The robert downey jr. pics turned out to be very uninteresting and unflattering but christian bale not so much. Damn.


Soul Love - David Bowie

I love the lyrics. I love the music. There's a distinct possibility that this is my favorite Bowie song.

Raise Your Glass - P!nk

This is a way different type of song than the other three. I love it with a passion. It's a great upbeat party song.

Forever - Drake, Kanye, Lil Wayne, Eminem

This is a little embarrassing, but it's not the most embarrassing song that I like. The other ones on this list are a lot better. But I like the...background music in this song and there are some pretty sweet raps. It pretty much builds up to Eminem's verse. He makes this song.

Kill the messenger - Jack's Mannequin
I don't know why, but I like this song. I generally like this CD.

 That is all for now, but I may update this later.

Songs I love: David Bowie - Soul Love

Stone love - she kneels before the grave
A brave son - who gave his life to save the slogans
That hovers between the headstone and her eyes
For they penetrate her grieving

New love - a boy and girl are talking
New words - that only they can share in
New words - a love so strong it tears their hearts

To sleep - through the fleeting hours of morning

Love is careless in its choosing
Sweeping over cross a baby
Love descends on those defenceless
Idiot love will spark the fusion
Inspirations have I none
Just to touch the flaming dove
All I have is my love of love
And love is not loving

Soul love - the priest that tastes the word and
Told of love - and how my God on high is
All love - though reaching up my loneliness
evolves
By the blindness that surrounds him

I haven't read this in a year.

I try to get better. I swallow the pills, I answer the questions, I fight the thoughts. I find something in me to grin and laugh and inside I feel like I'm dying. I don't want to eat. I hate it. I eat 3 bites because you tell me to and all I want is to shove my fingers down my throat and make it go away. I tell you I'm hurting because I'm supposed to, because you told me I can, and all I get is dead air. I can't do anything with nothing. That is not helpful. You are not making things better. I decide to stop telling you. But I can't. I am hurting so badly I would tell anyone who asked me how I'm doing. But no one asks, no one cares about the answer. You don't care about the answer, but I keep telling you things you never asked for. I keep reaching out, opening up, and getting left hanging. I don't know why I rely on you so much. You shake my hand and the sight of my arm makes me want to slice at it. I want to stop talking to professionals, I want to stop taking horse pills, I want to be better. And somehow through it all I get worse and worse. I hide off a little, because I don't want to take the energy to do what you ask. They notice, but not in a good way, not in a sweet "i care about you" way. They glare. They scoff. They all talk, I know they talk, I know what they say. Somehow I stopped being a person and started being an enigma. I became their puzzle. I became their mystery and I'm sick of it. I want to be a girl. I want to be a friend. I want to be loved. No one knows or no one cares, I'm not quite sure. But the effect is the same. No one listens. No one asks. When I tell them they get mad, when I don't tell them they get sad. Just care. Just listen. Please help me. I can't be like her and I know she's so perfect and I don't get why he's so into her and it's really obnoxious. He tells me how pretty she is. He tells me how great what she wrote is. He never tells me I'm pretty, never tells me I'm good. I listen to him talk about this girl and that and he doesn't give a crap about me. I don't want him to want me. I don't want him to idolize me, I don't want him to like me. I just want to be loved. I just want to feel good enough. And all of these thoughts are so, typical, so common, that you are just rolling your eyes. I'm trying so hard not to destroy my arms and make myself puke and you don't care because you've heard it before. It's still real to me. It's still hard for me. I sometimes wonder if you'd care only if I was giving in, that's when it would become big, that's when it would be real. You try to teach me how to be good and how to avoid these things and yet only acknowledge pain when it's in your face.
And no one listens.
And no one knows.
And no one cares.
The only phrases I have lost their impact long ago from overuse.
So I just sit and I just hurt and I hope and I hate and I wait.

Over Thinking

Sometimes I love my imagination, and sometimes I hate it. I love the pictures that I don't even think about, they just happen I start to draw or paint and they happen. I hate it when I think about my future. Anything can set me off. A friend asks if anyone's reading over my shoulder and I think they're going to ask me out. A Russian phrasebook said the phrase for “Will you marry me?” and I started thinking, what if when I go to Russia......

Penguins

T: where is everybody
me: You're a jerk
  I don't know
T: I know
  dang
me: Maybe they have lives.
T: doubt it
  "Maybe the the penguin cavalry is marching upon us this very moment"
  its about as likely as that
me: you have an unhealthy fear of penguins.
T: Because everyone knows that the penguins won't be properly equiped untill 2015
  I love penguins
  I just am aware of the onset of a new epoch of penguin domination
me: Hahah
  You're so ridiculous
  brb
T: If by ridiculous you mean informed and not falling into the lies and snares set by the puppet master politicians in power, and aware of the true issues ahead, then yes I am very ridiculous.
T: Hopefully in your speechless awe, you will realize the truth of the world surrounding you.
me: So how are you planning to defend yourself against the penguins?
T: I am building up allegiances and allies amongst them
me: Why can't you just oh hide in a tree until they leave
  Everyone could live in treehouses for a bit. Unless the penguins get jet packs.
 T: They don't need jet packs
  Ice catapults
  Ice Spears
  pecking down treas
  *trees

Cuz when you're, fifteen and, somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them.

I still haven't come to terms with being 16. When I was a child, 16 was the perfect age to be. I would have my ears pierced, I would have a job, I would have a car, I would still be young. Life would be so much easier. But now I'm sixteen with pierced ears, no permit, and no job. Life is still difficult. It's laughable now that at age 8 I thought life would be easier later on, but I really did.

Vice. [part of a series of unfinished writing]

I live in repetitions. A few ruts that I just alternate. I want to write a book. I hate my writing. I want to write a book. I want to go to college. I hate school. It's gotten to the point that I don't think people listen when I say what rut I am currently living in, and I couldn't blame them. I also repeat the same sins, and I think you probably do too. If I don't repeat the exact sin, I do something pretty close. I have a very addictive personality, in the sense that I can get addicted to things easily and when things get hard I seek out an addiction. I don't really know why but it is a problem. I can take things that aren't sin and twist them into sin. I used to cut. After I bled that dry (I really really don't mean that as a pun) I burned, which was amazing. Lately my indulgences are food and exercise. Exercise is generally not a problem. But for someone like me it's a struggle. I have trouble eating properly in general. Another indulgence for me is to not eat because having this totally empty stomach makes me feel really good. And I feel even better when I don't eat and do exercise. I have a million reasons I could give you for why I don't eat but I think it comes down to that's just a problem in my life right now, it doesn't really need an explanation. I don't eat when I'm mad. I don't eat when I'm jealous, when I feel fat, when I feel ugly, probably more than anything I don't eat when I feel alone. The self-control makes me feel fulfilled, and let's be honest sin just feels good. When I'm angry with people, especially my family, I don't eat as a rebellion. Something like, “You won't listen to me? Okay. Screw you. I'm not going to eat. You're going to feel so bad when I'm hospitalized.” I don't say it out loud but it's my thought. It's like a young child holding their breath, honestly. This ties in with another struggle of mine, jealousy. When people care for someone else and tell her to eat I won't eat for a day. Because people don't do that for me. When they do I usually do not comply but I do appreciate it in some way. It's just nice knowing that some people do care to some extent.

This piece of writing has disintegrated and I don't want to edit it right now.

I just saw an anti-meth commercial, and something with the way this guy looked as he did math resonated with me. I know he's an actor, and I don't mrean that he made meth look awesome. It just made me think of when I was addicted, and by the way that is crazy for me to think about. I'm not yet 16 and for actually a pretty long time I had a pretty strong addiction. I started cutting, honestly because it seemed interesting and stylish and dramatic, and it could make me happier than I was so why not? I was also pretty angsty so it fit with the whole thing there. I've never said it that way before, but it's true. I used to pretend that cutting for me was about desperation but it honestly just appealed to me. I got desperate quite a while later. I cut on and off for a while. Maybe a year or two. You know, I had stopped cutting for a couple of months and then talking to a friend about it, I know this is awful but I loved that he cared about me so I said I was cutting at the time, which I wasn't, but I started back promptly after that. It was interesting because it was something I'd been denying myself but not something I'd been craving. The problem with starting back up is, it wasn't the same. It didn't feel as good. The second day I ever cut, I cut all over my leg, I cut a few places deep as I could, I was experimenting, and I ended up pretty euphoric. I used to press so hard on my arm trying to make myself really bleed. I'm not sure what's the deal with my body like that but there have been probably less than 5 cuts I gave myself that had droplets of blood involved. I wouldn't bleed like that. They were pretty deep but there were rarely blood droplets. It was pretty strange. Anyway, when I started back up it didn't feel as good, so I did more. A few months after starting back up, I went on a youth trip. The day before I nicked a scalpel from a dissection kit I had around. I put a sterile blade on the handle and kept it in my purse. I put it even in my carry on bag when I left on the trip. The second night in Glenwood, I showed my boyfriend my arm. There were probably around 60 cuts on it, just from the past couple of days. I used to have a picture but it's gone with my old hard drive and I wish I still had it, just for reference. It didn't seem odd to me at the time, maybe because I was so used to being cut up, but L got his brother J to come and look and he seemed pretty stunned, which tipped me off to it being a bit excessive. I remember I was super panicked about swimming the next day. T said it would be fine to swim in just a regular swimsuit because cutting didn't have a handle on me, but at the time it definitely did, and I didn't want to talk about it. I had one of T(another T. Sister of the first T)'s long sleeved t-shirts on over a 2 piece swim suit that had long swim trunks at the bottom. I looked as if i'd been blindsided by the trip to the hot springs and decided to swim in my clothes. I think it was shortly after I got home that I started burning. I took a match, lit it, let it burn for a few seconds, blew it out and pressed into my arm until it stopped hurting. This is the thing the meth commercial made me think of. His breathing, his faces. I would grit my teeth while it hurt and almost scream and almost cry because the pain was ridiculous, and right as it got unbearable it would stop and I would feel this incredible feeling wash over my brain. I use wash because for some reason it really felt like a gentle wave. The burns would blister and be yellow or brown which rather confused me. I still have a crapload of scars on my left arm, the most prominent is from burning, right at my wrist. It's a real conversation starter. People wonder what the hell kind of bug bit me. I have a less obvious burn on the back of my left hand. It's a red mark while the one on my wrist still looks quite a bit like a blister. I have about 6 burn scars on my left and one or 2 on my right arm that are really apparent, and if you look for a while you'll see a lot more. I also have a bunch of cut scars that are pretty out there, but people rarely ask. I wonder if they even notice. I thought it was crazy in Ohio how comfortable I was telling N how I used to cut. I think D being so upfront helped me feel supported.

The XD smiley face makes me want to kick a puppy.

It's interesting people i know will be hurting and I love them and i have no idea whatsoever what to do. Caring is apparently not enough because people need gestures and they need kind words and all my articulacy just completely leaves me. More than anything I want to help I want them to feel better or i want to make the problem go away and i never have any idea what to do. and then my mind goes to why do i fail at being a good friend instead of trying to think of how to help though i don't think any extended thinking about what to do would give me any ideas anyway.

A

A is leaving, and it sucks out loud. I keep thinking why can't P or the other A leave because A is fudging awesome. Which I guess is why it has to be him because the people at the other church need someone like him, and they need him more than we do right now. And it's good to think that he'll impact them as much as he's impacted us. But I am crying and I don't think I would be crying if it were anyone but AVG. The thought being AF is leaving but we'll still have the other A. Nope. Ginger A is leaving and we have P and the other A and it's not that I don't love them it's just I'm so much less close to them. I don't think I cried when M left. Even if I did I wasn't this upset. It was weird because she was always there but I knew she'd still be around. I didn't cry when she moved away. And all of a sudden A is just going to disappear. It would suck enough for him to not be at youth things anymore. I'm so so so much closer to A than to M and A is one of my favorite people to be around and it pretty much breaks my heart that he's leaving and maybe I'm just being a baby and maybe I will feel better tomorrow but it really sucks right now. I don't want him to forget us. It's one of those things you don't know what you have till it's gone. Now that this has just hit me in the face and i found out today I am mad at AF because if i'd known earlier i would've had like another month to still see A and deal with it. But we have to be strong, and we have to let him go, and we have to get stronger and show how great a job he did mentoring us all. Even though it hurts. I still have wednesday to say goodbye to him and I am absolutely going to be there barring natural disaster or a bear attack i am going to be there and give him a hug and i don't care if he whines about it.

Hammers and strings

The whole prayer room was amazing. It's somewhat hard to pick a favorite part but I know mine is the strings. You would write your prayer request, what you sat to pray for, on a card and then tie it on a string and tape it to the ledge. And when people prayed for you they would tie a ribbon around your string. I think one of the most wonderful moments Challenge was just looking at the ribbons on my string. I didn't write about myself. It just felt great to think of someone else praying for what I was praying for. I think that's one of the most brilliant ideas the people who organized challenge had.

The panel of mirrors.

The last side of the kiosk was covered in mirrors. It's different from writing down a prayer request or what your dream is, at least for me, because it's a meditative thing. Everyone there was so supportive and I got the feeling I could stand there as long as I needed and no one would mind.

But I didn't.

I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle looking myself in the eyes that long. I didn't want to look at myself and read what God  thought of me. I didn't know what I wanted to do but that surely wouldn't make the list. I looked for a few seconds and went back to my seat. I comforted all these girls and it was an amazing thing to be there from them and cry for their pain and not mine but then i felt close to them and i wanted to talk about what's wrong with me and i was about to but we had to stop and i started crying so hard and everytime adam turned around i turned around too. It was a silly thing and i'm glad i got to get the emotion out but i don't know i wanted my friends to be there for me too and i know they would've been and all week i talked to D about my past and his and our mutual depression and self injury and i found out one of my friends has zoloft too and it made me so happy it's what finally made me want to talk about my eating but i didn't get to and that's okay it was still an amazing time but it was like, what am i going to do now because all week i had been thinking man i have nothing wrong with me only as the week went along it got harder and harder to eat and i wanted to run down to the gym more and more and i was like shoot maybe i do have a problem and i didn't know what to do.

with strawberry gashes all over, all over

It's incredible how things like self-injury are so misinterpreted by the media. It's funny in its way, until you realize that they're training people to approach it this way. I've seen cutting on a lot of tv shows and stories and it always completely awes me. How do you get it so wrong?

as Alicia reached for the doorknob, her arm peeked out from underneath her sweater sleeve. a million pink lines. every one its own story.

Cutting is an action of desperation and while I can tell some points in my life by where on my body i cut, there's no significance for every individual scar. Not every cut involves sneaking off to a bathroom and sobbing while you cut yourself and try to clean up the blood. Sometimes you do it out of addiction more than upset, and I never bled that much, I don't know why. A few cuts on my leg had some drops of blood and one time i saw a red line on my pants on top of a particularly intense cut. In that instance for whatever reason i wanted to cut really deep so i went over that one place over and over. It was actually sensational. I guess that's why I did it. I need to not be reliving that memory I think.

4-8-10

I'm so confused because I feel sick and I don't want to eat and everyone thinks I'm okay but this doesn't feel okay I thought okay was supposed to be liking food. I don't want to be okay and I don't know if I am. I don't know if I'm fine and being dramatic. I don't know if the people judging this just don't understand the extent of my feelings about it all. I've been locked away in my room all day and been down and so tired and maybe this is why. I'm going to lock myself away again. I am so tired.

From a journal from a while ago.

I'm pretty frustrated at myself. I'm not going to say why, I know why.

I don't know that frustrated is the right word. I feel shaky from

being undernourished. I guess hungry is a better word, even though I

don't feel hungry in my stomach. I don't want to eat, to punish

myself. But does that even apply when you enjoy the punishment? Maybe

it's like cutting - feels like punishment and reinforces the behavior.

And I feel like that would be okay, because I deserve to suffer. But

Jesus suffered for me. I want to turn back but I am afraid. That I've

run out of chances. I have a million things to confess and it makes me

sick. And I can't think and it's hurting my arm to write because

moving sucks when all your calories are gone.




This is no way to live.




I feel terrible.




I want to feel good again.




I want to be good again.




______________________________________________________




I'm listening to pocketful of sunshine and as I had this breakthrough,

"The sun is on my side"




The Son is on my side.




He'll fix me. He can make me good.




He somehow forgives me.

Today's music list

Top 11 Songs


1. Northern Downpour-Panic! At the Disco
 "you clicked your heels and wished for me."
I love sweet songs.


2. Rescued - Jack's Mannequin
    "Say you'll miss me one last time and I'll be strong. Whatever you do, please don't get me rescued cuz I'm thinking I just might need to be near you."
   It's a slow, sweet song. It's one I day dream to.

3. Not Now-Blink182
   I can't explain this song. Listen to it.

4. Watercolors in the rain - Roxette
 "Seems like I've been running all my life, like watercolours in the rain".
I'm a big fan of roxette. They're an old band from sweden or something, not terribly well known but my dad's always listened to them. Check them out. They're my hippy music.

5. Breakeven - The Script
All these songs so far are slowish. This is a song that just snaps me out of a haze.

6. The climb - Miley Cyrus
I don't like her performance, which just makes me love singing that song all the more, i feel like i do a good job. It's a catchy song and I like the words.

7. Tenderness on the block - Warren Zevon
 I don't know why I just love this song.

8. Folkin' Around - Panic! At the Disco
You've never been so divine in accepting your defeat, and I've never been more scared to be alone.

9. It's all your fault - P!nk
 The entire CD of funhouse is arguably the best thing for me when I'm upset. It's very emotionally raw and listening to it is healing. I'll get into it later.

10. Peacemaker - Green day
Again, I really like this CD in general. This is one of the songs I hadn't listened to much until just now so I'm into it atm.

11. For Good - Kristin Chenoweth, Idina Menzel
This song makes me think of my close friends. If I ever write a book, I'm going to have a part of this song and a short list of names. You don't have to listen to it, but I would encourage you to just at least look up the words.


So much of me is made of what I've learned from you. You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine by being my friend. Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

Albums.

1. Funhouse - Pink
 Like I said this CD is fantastic. I would tend to think it would only seem so fantastic and healing to women, she wrote it while she was in the process of divorcing her husband (i'm not sure what happened but they're together now.) So some of the stuff is very much about that and some general frustration toward men. This CD is wonderful because it has bitter songs like It's all your fault, sad songs like crystal ball and glitter in the air, and angry songs like So what?

2. Pretty. Odd. - Panic! At the Disco.
I loved their first cd, and this one is miles and miles above it. They cranked up everything great in the first one (Clever lyrics, Brendon Urie's voice), and toned down things I didn't like so much (Crudeness and some of the editing stuff). I've heard some people think this CD sounds like the beatles. From what I can tell I agree, but I haven't listened to that much beatles. This cd is 99.999% Family friendly (he says damn in one song) and really musically wonderful. If you like Panic for his voice and the lyrics you will love this cd. It surprised me how talented they all are, this album showcases that really well.

3.Everything in transit - Jack's Mannequin
One of my all-time favorite bands. I like their second CD, but not as much. This one is the best. When I finally owned it and got to listen to it I had this incredible feeling of ecstasy like I've rarely felt. I just love it. The music and lyrics are fantastic. It's a great CD with wonderful songs that make me want to live in California. They actually have several songs about california on both albums and I have never been to cali but this music makes me want to live there.

4.Church Music - Crowder
I'm in awe of this CD. I always forget how much I love it until I listen to it again.

5. Hymns - Page CXVI
They do the best covers of old hymns that I've ever heard. Their version of Joy is wonderful it shows the frustration in life and the calm God gives. A halfhearted I've got the joy joy joy, "And I can't understand, and I can't pretend, that everything will be alright in the end.", and finally "when peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll. Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say 'It is well, it is well with my soul.'". Brilliant.

6. 21st Century breakdown - Green Day
I love this CD, Green day makes me happy. This doesn't make it into my top five but I do like it, it's a good cd.

7.Wicked: The original Broadway cast recording, or something.
This is a great CD with great performances of great songs. I love the book, I love the musical. Wicked is one of my favorite stories and the musical I have no way to explain it. No one mourns the wicked is one of the best songs ever made, I have to say. Seeing Wicked live was like nothing else.

8.How to save a life - The fray
I don't have a lot to say. I really like this cd and less than the love I feel for some other CDs i just feel like it's one everyone should have.

9. Rebel - Lecrae
He is a fantastic rapper. This CD has great theology, great music.

10. The Fame - Lady GaGa
Did you really think I could leave this out :) It's a great dance CD. P-p-p-pokerface, boys boys boys, paparazzi, the only gaga song i love that's not on here is speechless, which is better acoustic than the cd version anyway, so is paparazzi. Anyhoozle.


I also like david bowie, queen, Ozzy (duh), Cake, coldplay, flight of the conchords, and a bunch more. But I'm done with this post.

It's all your fault.

It's always interesting to realize people you thought were your friends really don't like you, at all. It explains so much, and it really sucks.

Hush little baby, don't say a word.

I hate myself today. So much. It's not the angsty kind. I'm so incredibly disgusted about how I've been acting, what I've been saying, what I've let influence me, worst how I've been thinking.....I'm so overwhelmed at my brokenness. Bad word. Filth. Brokenness to me implies intense humility. Broken before the cross. Filth is different and a lot more applicable. On Wednesday I realized I really deeply wanted to just pray and read my bible and I realized I haven't done that in quite a while. I've been so distracted. By garbage. I've felt this astonishment before. How do I throw this off? How will I be forgiven?

Around easter I wrote and posted this on my old blog and I was reading it just now and I love it. I think I am getting in my own way. I also think writing is coming back to me. Be patient.

A wretch like me.

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon a cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin taht held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will nost boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Tarantulas.

I don't know about you, but some days I just can't stop thinking about my failures. I don't mean getting bad grades or dating the wrong person, though that is part of it. I mean I can't stop thinking about every stupid thing I've done. I have an incredibly good memory which is a lot of fun sometimes but makes times like this even more frustrating. I can't remember what I did at any point in time, I seriously think I have something broken in my brain because time is all scrambled in my head. It's all past and that's it. But I remember details. I remember what I said and I remember people's expressions when I said it. It's not crystal clear like a movie, There are pieces missing. But it's superimposed into everything I look at. I see clearly (actually not so much but that's because I don't wear my contacts) what I'm looking at in the real world but there's a simultaneous image in my brain of someone's face. Right now I have like a still of faces and sometimes it just loops itself, over and over. I'll just think "I am an idiot. I wish I could've not said that" and then something else comes to mind. Over and over. It brings up the reality that there's no way to fix all my shortcomings, past or present. If I fixed what I said at one point, there are still all the others. And even if by some miracle I could erase them all, there's always tomorrow. I'm going to say something stupid. This is going to happen for the rest of my life, it happens to everyone.

What do I do?
I've apologized/explained to people about some of these things before and they didn't care or remember. I guess you just have to let it go.

You said move on. Where do I go? Music stuff.

Top ten slowish songs right now.

Thinking of you - Katy Perry

Birmingham (We are safe) - Crowder

Speechless - Lady Gaga

How He Loves - Crowder

Use Somebody - Kings of Leon

Who Knew - P!nk

So Happy I could Die - Gaga

Breakeven (falling to pieces) - the script

Crush - David archuletta

The Climb - Miley Cyrus

Other songs I'm into:

Lollipop - Lil wayne

Say aah - I don't know.

Tik Tok - Ke$ha

Blah blah bla - Ke$ha

let it rock - Kevin rudolf

I made it - kevin rudolf

I don't wanna stop - Ozzy

I'm your daddy - Weezer

Also, parodies of Tik Tok and Shane Dawson's takes on Blah blah blah and telephone.

Mirror, mirror

I had a breakthrough the other day, and another one just a few seconds ago. Here goes.


1. My sister babysits this little baby girl who doesn't eat. She's 2 and she is absolutely tiny because she just won't eat. She's just a baby. As sad and strange that situation is, I am grateful for it because it's given me food for thought. I had the thought the other day, "K eats more than I like to. But she's a baby and they need less food.
....
...
..
Oh."

2. I like to make myself feel like a good writer. I was re-reading the old posts on an old joint blog of mine and I came across one I wrote about beauty. I had links to pictures of Isabelle Caro that I found disgusting and sad at the time and when I saw them now I thought, she is so beautiful.
I also had a sentence about people saying "if you're over size 7 you are fat", implying it was ridiculous because I thought size 7 is skinny. Now i think skinny is 0-4. I'm not sure how that fits in with my feelings on my body because I am no size 0. Or 7. I've lost weight but not that much. But a few days ago i felt incredibly pretty I just adored my body and my curves and whatever. I don't know how I feel about my body right now, I'm confused because of the isabelle caro thing. But the other day ( a different one ) I felt so pretty. I was just looking at myself like dang i am gorgeous. And then I saw this picture, just a headshot of this girl, and she was beautiful and I suddenly felt like the ugliest person in the world and I fell asleep thinking about cosmetic surgeries.

I don't have a conclusion.

A fresh start...

I am really into this name. It's from a Zevon song. I've been thinking about making a new blog for a while and as soon as I heard that line I had to use it. It seems really appropriate for a personal blog.

So, why a new blog?
My last one was one I used at a bad point in my life. I thought about deleting all the posts and starting over but somehow I want to keep it as a...relic. A memoire? A monument. I don't know. It's just at some point I might want to re-read what I've written there. But at the same time I don't want to be seeing the posts all the time. This is just better.

Why a blog at all? Well, I think I should start writing again, and before I do something like write articles for TheDispersion, I should have a place like this to get back to writing. Pretty much simple as that.