Vice. [part of a series of unfinished writing]

I live in repetitions. A few ruts that I just alternate. I want to write a book. I hate my writing. I want to write a book. I want to go to college. I hate school. It's gotten to the point that I don't think people listen when I say what rut I am currently living in, and I couldn't blame them. I also repeat the same sins, and I think you probably do too. If I don't repeat the exact sin, I do something pretty close. I have a very addictive personality, in the sense that I can get addicted to things easily and when things get hard I seek out an addiction. I don't really know why but it is a problem. I can take things that aren't sin and twist them into sin. I used to cut. After I bled that dry (I really really don't mean that as a pun) I burned, which was amazing. Lately my indulgences are food and exercise. Exercise is generally not a problem. But for someone like me it's a struggle. I have trouble eating properly in general. Another indulgence for me is to not eat because having this totally empty stomach makes me feel really good. And I feel even better when I don't eat and do exercise. I have a million reasons I could give you for why I don't eat but I think it comes down to that's just a problem in my life right now, it doesn't really need an explanation. I don't eat when I'm mad. I don't eat when I'm jealous, when I feel fat, when I feel ugly, probably more than anything I don't eat when I feel alone. The self-control makes me feel fulfilled, and let's be honest sin just feels good. When I'm angry with people, especially my family, I don't eat as a rebellion. Something like, “You won't listen to me? Okay. Screw you. I'm not going to eat. You're going to feel so bad when I'm hospitalized.” I don't say it out loud but it's my thought. It's like a young child holding their breath, honestly. This ties in with another struggle of mine, jealousy. When people care for someone else and tell her to eat I won't eat for a day. Because people don't do that for me. When they do I usually do not comply but I do appreciate it in some way. It's just nice knowing that some people do care to some extent.