This is the personal narrative I had to write for my English class.
I come from a
musical family. I'm a singer, I always have been, and yet there was a
very long time when I couldn't handle the thought of singing to
anyone else. A year ago, I took a class that changed my outlook, made
me face my fears, and brought my voice out of hiding.
I was in a bookstore
when I first heard about the class. I was minding my own business
when I ran into some good friends. Suddenly my friend Hannah was
running her mouth a mile a minute, flailing her arms, and jumping up
and down excitedly."You'll love it! You're a natural! And we're
doing My Fair Lady which is like my favorite musical ever. PLEASE
take this class." I smiled politely, said I'd think about it.
"You can't think about it. You have to sign up, like, yesterday.
You might not even get in this late. C'mon, you have to try!"
Reluctantly, I got my phone out and signed up for drama right then
and there.
The first day of
class was awkward for me. It was a close group, and I was the
outsider. I took furious notes. The next week, our teacher gave
everyone a handout. "This is a part of your grade." she
said as I started to read, "You won't be judged on talent,
you'll be judged on effort and preparation." I felt a cold sweat
on the back of my neck as I got farther down the page. Auditions.
I would have to give
a monologue. Not a problem, a year of speech had made me comfortable
talking in front of any group. I would have to sing for everyone –
that was the kicker. I'd rather be naked in a crowd. The next days
were full of stress and denial. I had other things to worry about and
I made a point of being too busy to think of facing my fears. But as
the deadline got closer I realized I had to get this done. So I
started singing. Broadway, pop, classic rock - every song I could
think of. I arrived at the notion that the only song I could sing
well was an '80s song about teen pregnancy. This wouldn't fly with
the group I was in.
So I stressed. I
cried. I started to flip through my books, searching for a decent
monologue to go with my audition – something I had forgotten was
necessary because of all my stress over singing. I was in choir as a
child. I've been on stage since I was two months old. And yet I was
terrified, because I had hidden my voice away. My fear of rejection
had completely crippled one of my greatest joys, for years. I could
sing, but only when I was completely alone.
Finally, it was
almost time. The night before class, I rehearsed with my sister. I
fidgeted with my hands and gave a few false starts. I awkwardly
introduced myself and I gave my monologue, talking quickly and
gasping for breath when I needed it. Then I sang, baffled at how I
sounded. I had thought I was comfortable singing with her and yet
here I was, making only the faintest noise, blushing and shaking from
my nerves. I cut the last note short and asked what she thought.
"You sound like
a fish out of water. You talk like an auctioneer and try to gulp
air." "What about the song?" "Laura..." She
paused and looked pityingly at me, "I know you're a good singer.
I've known you all your life. But I can't hear you! You need to be
louder. And chill out! Tomorrow, pretend you're just singing for me."
I went to school the
next day and spent all my classes completely on edge. Someone asked
how I was doing and I started crying. I texted long-lost friends
asking for prayer. And then finally, drama. When the teacher said,
"We're going to do auditions for two weeks. There's way too many
of you to fit in today!" I was relieved but unsure. I felt
totally unprepared, but I didn't want another week of agony. I
watched others audition, some beautifully and some timidly, and I
started to relax. As class time came to an end, I just wanted to get
it over with. Shaking, I raised my hand to volunteer. I wasn't the
only one who wanted to go last. The teacher pointed behind me and
said, "Your turn, Kelly."
I was relieved, and
oddly disappointed. But seeing others try, and witnessing the
encouraging reactions they recieved made me consider that maybe this
monster in my mind wasn't so bad after all. Over the next week, I
started to get more and more excited to audition. I practiced
constantly. And the night before class, I changed everything. I
changed my monologue to a poem I knew, and I changed my song to an
old ballad. I couldn't believe how I felt - honestly excited for
something that so scared me. I went to bed with butterflies in my
stomach and woke up the next morning confused. Still so excited, but
still so terrified. I went through my classes and tried to keep drama
at the back of my mind. Finally, the time came.
I watched more
people audition and tried to beam them encouragement from my smile.
There was a lull in volunteers and, egged on by my friends, I raised
my hand. My heart pounded as I walked to the front of the room. I
looked around and saw the same encouraging smiles I had been sending
to others. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. And then, voice
quivering, talking much too quickly, I blurted out the words, "Hi.
This might be terrible. But you know what? Life is full of
disappointments. You'll live." The class laughed, and I started
to relax." So anyway...My name is Laura. I'm five foot
nine. I don't care what size of a role I get, and I'm going to be
singing "Your Song" by Elton John. So, yeah. Enjoy or
whatever." And I started to sing. I tried to remember my old
speech tricks- look at your audience, scan the room, and don't you
dare fidget- but I couldn't help it. I played with a bracelet charm
in my hand as I glanced around the room, before focusing on my
teacher and then closing my eyes, only opening them again as I
finished my song.
"'How wonderful
life is, now you're in the world'- Oh my gosh I'm, like literally
shaking. I feel like I'm gonna die."
And as the room
realized I was done singing, they erupted into applause. I got
compliments for my audition after class, even for months later, and
even though I didn't get a singing part in the play, my audition
still shines in my memory. It was a terrifying, difficult, and
beautiful experience. I can finally sing again, for anyone, and that
is worth every hour I spent stressed out and crying.
