Even in the darkness, every color can be found.

This is a post I've been trying to work out for a while.


Lately I've been feeling quite grim. Just the past few weeks I've been hit with these feelings periodically. Feelings of just. Drowning. Wanting to quit everything. Wanting to cut my arms.
And yet I still feel unbelievably happy some of the time.
I'm having a lot of trouble doing school.
Here's the thing about these feelings, the thing I wouldn't have ever considered a few years ago.
They go away.
They'll just dissipate, especially when I find something positive to focus on.
It can take a while, but treading water is better than drowning especially when sometimes I'm just overwhelmingly happy or just...overwhelmingly content. With this deep joy. It's how I feel right now.
Cutting is a weird thing. I don't exactly want to do it but sometimes I do. sometimes I want the release and i want to have it as a crutch I guess. And I'm ashamed to say sometimes I think of it so that people (but only some people) would see my arms and talk to me and know something's wrong. I guess cutting as a cry for help is a relatively common thing to do but it seems so tacky to me.
Anyway.
A few weeks ago it got just really, really overwhelming.
I took a green sharpie out, and I wrote Strong on my wrist.
And it helped immediately.
Everytime I saw that, more than just feeling less inclined to cut, encouraged.

Please don't see this, freak out, and try to save my life.
I'm fine.
Life can't be perfect and I'm okay with that. I enjoy coping.
I'm a big girl, and I can handle myself.

A story of me and people named D. Bonus appearances by profanities and clergy.

The world is beautiful.

Just want to throw that out there.

I keep thinking people hate or dislike or...something me. I keep getting proven wrong, which is really freaking me out. I mean it is fantastic. It's making me quite happy. But I'm used to no one caring if I'm not around.

Did I tell you I went to D's youth group?
I did.
It's not a youth group so much as a small group, about 6 people at a table in a starbucks.

I talked about demons. And then I felt stupid. And I couldn't stop talking. And I cried. And the thought that kept reverberating through my head was, "Dumb as a fucking potato"

I got a ride home though. It was incredibly enjoyable. I actually was a little sad that I live so close. The ride made it a more positive experience, but I still didn't want to go back. In particular I figured the pastor wasn't a fan of me. So I figure, experiment done. I don't need to do that ever again.

The pastor works at my school. He's a pastor (no shit) and he really doesn't appreciate swearing (sorry bro). Back to that later.

Last hour at school I'm a teacher's aide. For the most part I completely hate it. Today was particularly bad because I was so tired and I had had an intense day, because S had been in the hospital for 14 hours. I might tell that later. I didn't get started on the jobs I'm supposed to do all the time because as previously stated i am dumb as a fucking potato. I sat curled up on the ground with my eyes closed. Then I had to explain not having my jobs done which was something like I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. Whatever. So I clean. Every time I clean classrooms I'm impressed by how much stuff there is everywhere and I end up with a feeling of, seriously, you are a grown adult. Clean up after your damn self!
But I digress.
After i finally finished my jobs (The first time ever I'd finished them before leaving) the lady D asked me to remind mr. D (totally unrelated to other d's) that he needed to take down all these pictures that were lining the walls or they'd get thrown out. I reminded him and I got the response of "oh yeah. take those down and bring them to me"
I was stunned. I was entirely not happy about doing this job. Midway through my friend A (brother of the first D, confused yet?) came out of his class struggling with a cart and I said I'll help you if you'll help me. So I start to help and said something like "I'm going to put up a notice. If you leave your damn picture on the freaking hall I will rip it in half"(bolded to indicate volume) and passionately told him some part of why I was so frustrated.

This is when it comes back to the pastor, because he happened to walk right there, right then.
Oops.

After putting everything away we go to the piano (we like to hang out there. A is a piano prodigy) and I start talking to A about how i can't go back to his youth group again, because their pastor probably thinks i'm crazy and/or emotionally unstable. A says maybe that's why I should go. I say I don't need to change pastor's opinion of me, that i don't care but find it interesting. A murmurs something. "what?" "nothing" and I go back and forth with him for a couple minutes of "teelll meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" and "I didn't say anything!" when D the first walks up. I tell him to try and beat it out of A or something and he asks what A said.
"I don't know. That's why I'm asking"
"well what was he saying?"
"[some bs about how i don't know because i don't feel like telling d the conversation]"
"what were you guys talking about?"
Ummm....
Something about me going back to their youth group.

So I tell him. And A interjects. And D says that he would be delighted to have me and is that a good enough reason to go?
Way to appeal to my vanity. I'm a sucker.
I protest my plea about the pastor. He has the same thought as his brother especially in that maybe I need a release for my emotions. So that I don't, for example, start crying and yell mild profanities at his brother.
I might go to his youth group on sunday.

Somehow I found this conversation so uplifting.
D said the pastor actually really likes me.
Yeah. I don't know why either.
I always assume no one likes me. Mostly because I'm incredibly annoying. But I think people might actually like me a little bit.
I like them.

Relationship advice as learned through experience

• Never let someone manipulate you. Self-pity is totally manipulation.
  
• Ask yourself if you really like them or if you like the feeling of having someone to flirt with And answer honestly.
   
• Be careful. Be careful. Be careful. I can't emphasize this enough. Until you get at least engaged you honestly don't know when a relationship can just stop. I know there are engagements that break off but I also know most high schoolers aren't engaged. The reason I bring this up is...(important!)
  
• No matter how much you want to, you can't take things back. If you told them things, felt things, did things, you can't undo them. I wish with all my heart that I had never even resumed the relationship that I did. Because I didn't listen to the above bullet points. And I ended up doing stupid stuff. I was short sighted and I really wish I could have not just the time but the actions back.
  

Just Like You - An excerpt [Lecrae]

I was created by God but I ain't wanna be like him, I wanna be him. The Jack Sparrow of my Caribbean. I remember the first created being, and how he shifted the blame on his dame For fruit he shouldn't have eaten. And now look at us all out of Eden, Wearing designer fig leaves by Louis Vuitton, make believing. But God sees through my foolish pride, And how I'm weak like Adam another victim of Lucifer's lies. But then in steps Jesus. All men were created to lead but we need somebody to lead us. More than a teacher, but somebody t buy us back from the darkness, you could say He redeemed us. Taught us that real leaders follow God. Finish the work 'cause we on a job. Taught us not to rob, but give life. Love a wife like He loved the Church, without seeing how many hearts we can break first. I wanna be like you in every way, so if I gotta die everyday, unworthy sacrifice. But the least I can do is give the most of me,
because being just like you is what I'm supposed to be. They say you came for the lame, I'm the lamest. I made a mess you say you'll erase it, I'll take it. They say you came for the lame, I'm the lamest. I broke my life, but you say you'll replace it, I'll take it.

Most awkward (but relevant) blog post ever? Also I don't edit anymore.

I edit articles for theDispersion. I love it. I love theDispersion and I love the job- I get to preread loads of great articles and make sure that they don't get published with mistakes. Which seems trivial but it makes it all seem a bit more professional. Anyway. About the reading. I always end up waiting ages and then editing like 10 of Jack's articles in a row, and they speak to me. He's very honest. He'll talk about his personal sin and it boggles my mind. It's incredibly admirable. Personally I do something a bit opposite. There are some sins I will talk about but they almost always fall into one category - past sins. Nothing I'm struggling with right now. I keep almost pretending that this is a different note but it truly is not. Here is the next thing I want to say, that is still the same train of thought. This is a bit of an article Jack wrote, I don't know when it will be available to the public.

A totally revolutionary way of considering your sin is through the standard that originates from Jesus’ sermon on the mount, specifically in Mathew 5:28. If you look on a woman lustfully, if you want her, you are sinning just as much as any adulterer. Purity is not simply purity of deed it truly is purity of spirit.

This sucks. Like this sucks some mega giraffe abortions. I am flippant because I'm so uncomfortable. Not only is looking at porn sinful so are all the nasty thoughts that go through your (my?) mind about other people and so is being distracted from God because people around you are hot. Smoking hot worship leaders are the worst because while closing your eyes solves the problem of seeing them and makes the singing more intimate with God you so do not want to close your eyes. I can't tell you how many times I've spent time I should be worshiping thinking about the body of the person leading. Maybe that's creepy.

There's a song by Lecrae called Killa. My interpretation of it is the part of Proverbs talking about the adulteress beckoning and such. In the song she's saying,

Baby, this is innocent. It won't even hurt a little bit. I'm only here for your benefit. I'm your every wish. Come on and let me in.

The first line is what gets to my mind. This and the verse Jack mentioned mean something big. They mean that what you do in the privacy of your bedroom is bad. I don't mean what you do with your hypothetical spouse in your hypothetical marriage bed, I think you know that. And I am using the general "You" and not directing this solely at people who would read this. Here's the deal. If you read things even from such people as James Dobson they will say that the things teenagers do in their bedroom or shower (yeah that) is not sinful and natural. And that's a nice crutch. But it keeps gnawing at my mind, if you have to tell yourself that something is innocent, does that not show that it isn't quite as innocent as you would like? I'd like to say I think it completely depends on the content going in one's head as to the innocence of the activity. But I don't know anything.

Here's another thought I keep having. I keep thinking about how Charlie Sheen lives/lived with Bree Olson, who as you probably don't know is a really really pretty porn star. I found out through Philip DeFranco talking about Charlie Sheen, for the record. He had a picture of her. I keep thinking what is that like? Not what is that like in bed or anything like that. Sort of the opposite actually. Pornography is all smoke and mirrors, it's all acting (sorry if you didn't know that. Spoiler!). Even [especially?] interviews with those in the sex industry are total nonsense designed to get people excited.
Again, common knowledge right?
So my question is, what would it be like to see this woman with no makeup, in sweat pants with greasy hair? Sitting on the couch eating potato chips. Doing all the un-sexy things that real women do. I don't fully understand that because he's either ruining the illusion for himself or perpetuating the illusion by getting her to act like she does on set. Which seems sick to me. I would be fascinated to talk to a porn star completely off the record. I once heard a man talking about ministering to strippers or something (hosea and gomer much?) and how much they all HATED men. You walk in and they are all over you but that's the act, and besides they want your money. I think it's so sad that they turn into machines. That they turn something beautiful created by God, not just their bodies but also sexuality and turning it into nothing. Personally I would generally say I'm all over legalized prostitution and gay marriage because marriage is not sacred anymore and if you think it is i would encourage you to look at the divorce rates. But after reading this article on sex and the sanctity of marriage I don't know where I stand. I do actually. I want to keep marriage real and I want to keep it sacred. But it's strange feeling because I know it's not very sacred now.