He took the days for pageants, became as mad as rabbits, with bushels of bad habits. who could ask for any more?

I blogged 13 times today (this will be 14) and a bunch of that was just writing off the top of my head today. I still don't feel done with it. It's funny, every so often I will just have to write for a while. I think I have a way with words, reading my old stuff I really like it. I just occasionally panic thinking about people reading it. But this is nice because I'm just expressing. I don't have a goal.

I'm boring but overcompensate with headlines and flash.flash.flash. photography

A girl I really don't know is having a rough time. It's blatantly obvious and it's sadder because you know she's trying to hide it. She seems like she's doing super badly. When I was in a position like that I always wondered, I am surrounded by people, why is no one helping? Now I realize. I have no idea what to do with her. Because where do I begin? "I don't know you very well, but you sure have been crying a lot lately. Want to talk about it?" Who says I'm someone who can help her? Who says I'm not? This isn't just a case of trying to be a Mentor and look Mature and Helpful. I care. I really do. She seems like she is really struggling. What do I do? I don't know her. I can't facebook her because to my knowledge she isn't even on facebook. Do I talk to her when I see her next? Do I write her a letter? Or do I just pray completely anonymously? It's not that I haven't thought to pray, it's that sometimes it's nice to know people are praying for you. But I have no idea what she thinks of me so it could be completely unhelpful to reach out to her. My guess is I'm not one of the people she wants to talk to, that if I reach out she won't know what to do. Maybe this is just one of those situations where I may as well try, and assume that she'll appreciate someone noticing. I really have no idea.

Wishes and Regrets

I want to swim with whales. I wish so so so much that I had written down the name of this incredibly talented artist I found. I think about her almost every day and for some reason I always felt like I could find her easily. Nope. I have no idea how. I want to sing in front of people. I want to be famous. I want to not need money. Not that I want to have it just that it were an irrelevant commodity. I want to tell the whole world how I feel, and not chicken out about it. I want to share my life. I want to share my feelings, without people attacking me. I want to visit Russia. I want to be humble. I want to be fluent in Russian. I want people to like me. I want to have an amazing body. I want to feel beautiful without makeup on.

Songs I am fond of at this very moment. I make a lot of these lists.

So close - Jon McLaughlin

This is almost a love song. A very modern, tragic, love that was fated not to be song.

Lost - Michael Bublé

I really, really like this song. A ton. This is one of a few songs i have an incredibly girly reaction to. Something like melting.

Here's a picture of the stunning Scarlett Johansson to keep your attention. Side note: I looked up Christian Bale and Robert Downey Jr., considering putting a couple pictures in to keep my attention but now I am hugely distracted by google images. That backfired, but I don't really care. The robert downey jr. pics turned out to be very uninteresting and unflattering but christian bale not so much. Damn.


Soul Love - David Bowie

I love the lyrics. I love the music. There's a distinct possibility that this is my favorite Bowie song.

Raise Your Glass - P!nk

This is a way different type of song than the other three. I love it with a passion. It's a great upbeat party song.

Forever - Drake, Kanye, Lil Wayne, Eminem

This is a little embarrassing, but it's not the most embarrassing song that I like. The other ones on this list are a lot better. But I like the...background music in this song and there are some pretty sweet raps. It pretty much builds up to Eminem's verse. He makes this song.

Kill the messenger - Jack's Mannequin
I don't know why, but I like this song. I generally like this CD.

 That is all for now, but I may update this later.

Songs I love: David Bowie - Soul Love

Stone love - she kneels before the grave
A brave son - who gave his life to save the slogans
That hovers between the headstone and her eyes
For they penetrate her grieving

New love - a boy and girl are talking
New words - that only they can share in
New words - a love so strong it tears their hearts

To sleep - through the fleeting hours of morning

Love is careless in its choosing
Sweeping over cross a baby
Love descends on those defenceless
Idiot love will spark the fusion
Inspirations have I none
Just to touch the flaming dove
All I have is my love of love
And love is not loving

Soul love - the priest that tastes the word and
Told of love - and how my God on high is
All love - though reaching up my loneliness
evolves
By the blindness that surrounds him

I haven't read this in a year.

I try to get better. I swallow the pills, I answer the questions, I fight the thoughts. I find something in me to grin and laugh and inside I feel like I'm dying. I don't want to eat. I hate it. I eat 3 bites because you tell me to and all I want is to shove my fingers down my throat and make it go away. I tell you I'm hurting because I'm supposed to, because you told me I can, and all I get is dead air. I can't do anything with nothing. That is not helpful. You are not making things better. I decide to stop telling you. But I can't. I am hurting so badly I would tell anyone who asked me how I'm doing. But no one asks, no one cares about the answer. You don't care about the answer, but I keep telling you things you never asked for. I keep reaching out, opening up, and getting left hanging. I don't know why I rely on you so much. You shake my hand and the sight of my arm makes me want to slice at it. I want to stop talking to professionals, I want to stop taking horse pills, I want to be better. And somehow through it all I get worse and worse. I hide off a little, because I don't want to take the energy to do what you ask. They notice, but not in a good way, not in a sweet "i care about you" way. They glare. They scoff. They all talk, I know they talk, I know what they say. Somehow I stopped being a person and started being an enigma. I became their puzzle. I became their mystery and I'm sick of it. I want to be a girl. I want to be a friend. I want to be loved. No one knows or no one cares, I'm not quite sure. But the effect is the same. No one listens. No one asks. When I tell them they get mad, when I don't tell them they get sad. Just care. Just listen. Please help me. I can't be like her and I know she's so perfect and I don't get why he's so into her and it's really obnoxious. He tells me how pretty she is. He tells me how great what she wrote is. He never tells me I'm pretty, never tells me I'm good. I listen to him talk about this girl and that and he doesn't give a crap about me. I don't want him to want me. I don't want him to idolize me, I don't want him to like me. I just want to be loved. I just want to feel good enough. And all of these thoughts are so, typical, so common, that you are just rolling your eyes. I'm trying so hard not to destroy my arms and make myself puke and you don't care because you've heard it before. It's still real to me. It's still hard for me. I sometimes wonder if you'd care only if I was giving in, that's when it would become big, that's when it would be real. You try to teach me how to be good and how to avoid these things and yet only acknowledge pain when it's in your face.
And no one listens.
And no one knows.
And no one cares.
The only phrases I have lost their impact long ago from overuse.
So I just sit and I just hurt and I hope and I hate and I wait.

Over Thinking

Sometimes I love my imagination, and sometimes I hate it. I love the pictures that I don't even think about, they just happen I start to draw or paint and they happen. I hate it when I think about my future. Anything can set me off. A friend asks if anyone's reading over my shoulder and I think they're going to ask me out. A Russian phrasebook said the phrase for “Will you marry me?” and I started thinking, what if when I go to Russia......

Penguins

T: where is everybody
me: You're a jerk
  I don't know
T: I know
  dang
me: Maybe they have lives.
T: doubt it
  "Maybe the the penguin cavalry is marching upon us this very moment"
  its about as likely as that
me: you have an unhealthy fear of penguins.
T: Because everyone knows that the penguins won't be properly equiped untill 2015
  I love penguins
  I just am aware of the onset of a new epoch of penguin domination
me: Hahah
  You're so ridiculous
  brb
T: If by ridiculous you mean informed and not falling into the lies and snares set by the puppet master politicians in power, and aware of the true issues ahead, then yes I am very ridiculous.
T: Hopefully in your speechless awe, you will realize the truth of the world surrounding you.
me: So how are you planning to defend yourself against the penguins?
T: I am building up allegiances and allies amongst them
me: Why can't you just oh hide in a tree until they leave
  Everyone could live in treehouses for a bit. Unless the penguins get jet packs.
 T: They don't need jet packs
  Ice catapults
  Ice Spears
  pecking down treas
  *trees

Cuz when you're, fifteen and, somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them.

I still haven't come to terms with being 16. When I was a child, 16 was the perfect age to be. I would have my ears pierced, I would have a job, I would have a car, I would still be young. Life would be so much easier. But now I'm sixteen with pierced ears, no permit, and no job. Life is still difficult. It's laughable now that at age 8 I thought life would be easier later on, but I really did.

Vice. [part of a series of unfinished writing]

I live in repetitions. A few ruts that I just alternate. I want to write a book. I hate my writing. I want to write a book. I want to go to college. I hate school. It's gotten to the point that I don't think people listen when I say what rut I am currently living in, and I couldn't blame them. I also repeat the same sins, and I think you probably do too. If I don't repeat the exact sin, I do something pretty close. I have a very addictive personality, in the sense that I can get addicted to things easily and when things get hard I seek out an addiction. I don't really know why but it is a problem. I can take things that aren't sin and twist them into sin. I used to cut. After I bled that dry (I really really don't mean that as a pun) I burned, which was amazing. Lately my indulgences are food and exercise. Exercise is generally not a problem. But for someone like me it's a struggle. I have trouble eating properly in general. Another indulgence for me is to not eat because having this totally empty stomach makes me feel really good. And I feel even better when I don't eat and do exercise. I have a million reasons I could give you for why I don't eat but I think it comes down to that's just a problem in my life right now, it doesn't really need an explanation. I don't eat when I'm mad. I don't eat when I'm jealous, when I feel fat, when I feel ugly, probably more than anything I don't eat when I feel alone. The self-control makes me feel fulfilled, and let's be honest sin just feels good. When I'm angry with people, especially my family, I don't eat as a rebellion. Something like, “You won't listen to me? Okay. Screw you. I'm not going to eat. You're going to feel so bad when I'm hospitalized.” I don't say it out loud but it's my thought. It's like a young child holding their breath, honestly. This ties in with another struggle of mine, jealousy. When people care for someone else and tell her to eat I won't eat for a day. Because people don't do that for me. When they do I usually do not comply but I do appreciate it in some way. It's just nice knowing that some people do care to some extent.