I'm pretty frustrated at myself. I'm not going to say why, I know why.
I don't know that frustrated is the right word. I feel shaky from
being undernourished. I guess hungry is a better word, even though I
don't feel hungry in my stomach. I don't want to eat, to punish
myself. But does that even apply when you enjoy the punishment? Maybe
it's like cutting - feels like punishment and reinforces the behavior.
And I feel like that would be okay, because I deserve to suffer. But
Jesus suffered for me. I want to turn back but I am afraid. That I've
run out of chances. I have a million things to confess and it makes me
sick. And I can't think and it's hurting my arm to write because
moving sucks when all your calories are gone.
This is no way to live.
I feel terrible.
I want to feel good again.
I want to be good again.
______________________________________________________
I'm listening to pocketful of sunshine and as I had this breakthrough,
"The sun is on my side"
The Son is on my side.
He'll fix me. He can make me good.
He somehow forgives me.
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