Hush little baby, don't say a word.

I hate myself today. So much. It's not the angsty kind. I'm so incredibly disgusted about how I've been acting, what I've been saying, what I've let influence me, worst how I've been thinking.....I'm so overwhelmed at my brokenness. Bad word. Filth. Brokenness to me implies intense humility. Broken before the cross. Filth is different and a lot more applicable. On Wednesday I realized I really deeply wanted to just pray and read my bible and I realized I haven't done that in quite a while. I've been so distracted. By garbage. I've felt this astonishment before. How do I throw this off? How will I be forgiven?

Around easter I wrote and posted this on my old blog and I was reading it just now and I love it. I think I am getting in my own way. I also think writing is coming back to me. Be patient.

A wretch like me.

How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon a cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin taht held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will nost boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Tarantulas.

I don't know about you, but some days I just can't stop thinking about my failures. I don't mean getting bad grades or dating the wrong person, though that is part of it. I mean I can't stop thinking about every stupid thing I've done. I have an incredibly good memory which is a lot of fun sometimes but makes times like this even more frustrating. I can't remember what I did at any point in time, I seriously think I have something broken in my brain because time is all scrambled in my head. It's all past and that's it. But I remember details. I remember what I said and I remember people's expressions when I said it. It's not crystal clear like a movie, There are pieces missing. But it's superimposed into everything I look at. I see clearly (actually not so much but that's because I don't wear my contacts) what I'm looking at in the real world but there's a simultaneous image in my brain of someone's face. Right now I have like a still of faces and sometimes it just loops itself, over and over. I'll just think "I am an idiot. I wish I could've not said that" and then something else comes to mind. Over and over. It brings up the reality that there's no way to fix all my shortcomings, past or present. If I fixed what I said at one point, there are still all the others. And even if by some miracle I could erase them all, there's always tomorrow. I'm going to say something stupid. This is going to happen for the rest of my life, it happens to everyone.

What do I do?
I've apologized/explained to people about some of these things before and they didn't care or remember. I guess you just have to let it go.

You said move on. Where do I go? Music stuff.

Top ten slowish songs right now.

Thinking of you - Katy Perry

Birmingham (We are safe) - Crowder

Speechless - Lady Gaga

How He Loves - Crowder

Use Somebody - Kings of Leon

Who Knew - P!nk

So Happy I could Die - Gaga

Breakeven (falling to pieces) - the script

Crush - David archuletta

The Climb - Miley Cyrus

Other songs I'm into:

Lollipop - Lil wayne

Say aah - I don't know.

Tik Tok - Ke$ha

Blah blah bla - Ke$ha

let it rock - Kevin rudolf

I made it - kevin rudolf

I don't wanna stop - Ozzy

I'm your daddy - Weezer

Also, parodies of Tik Tok and Shane Dawson's takes on Blah blah blah and telephone.

Mirror, mirror

I had a breakthrough the other day, and another one just a few seconds ago. Here goes.


1. My sister babysits this little baby girl who doesn't eat. She's 2 and she is absolutely tiny because she just won't eat. She's just a baby. As sad and strange that situation is, I am grateful for it because it's given me food for thought. I had the thought the other day, "K eats more than I like to. But she's a baby and they need less food.
....
...
..
Oh."

2. I like to make myself feel like a good writer. I was re-reading the old posts on an old joint blog of mine and I came across one I wrote about beauty. I had links to pictures of Isabelle Caro that I found disgusting and sad at the time and when I saw them now I thought, she is so beautiful.
I also had a sentence about people saying "if you're over size 7 you are fat", implying it was ridiculous because I thought size 7 is skinny. Now i think skinny is 0-4. I'm not sure how that fits in with my feelings on my body because I am no size 0. Or 7. I've lost weight but not that much. But a few days ago i felt incredibly pretty I just adored my body and my curves and whatever. I don't know how I feel about my body right now, I'm confused because of the isabelle caro thing. But the other day ( a different one ) I felt so pretty. I was just looking at myself like dang i am gorgeous. And then I saw this picture, just a headshot of this girl, and she was beautiful and I suddenly felt like the ugliest person in the world and I fell asleep thinking about cosmetic surgeries.

I don't have a conclusion.

A fresh start...

I am really into this name. It's from a Zevon song. I've been thinking about making a new blog for a while and as soon as I heard that line I had to use it. It seems really appropriate for a personal blog.

So, why a new blog?
My last one was one I used at a bad point in my life. I thought about deleting all the posts and starting over but somehow I want to keep it as a...relic. A memoire? A monument. I don't know. It's just at some point I might want to re-read what I've written there. But at the same time I don't want to be seeing the posts all the time. This is just better.

Why a blog at all? Well, I think I should start writing again, and before I do something like write articles for TheDispersion, I should have a place like this to get back to writing. Pretty much simple as that.