The world is beautiful.
Just want to throw that out there.
I keep thinking people hate or dislike or...something me. I keep getting proven wrong, which is really freaking me out. I mean it is fantastic. It's making me quite happy. But I'm used to no one caring if I'm not around.
Did I tell you I went to D's youth group?
I did.
It's not a youth group so much as a small group, about 6 people at a table in a starbucks.
I talked about demons. And then I felt stupid. And I couldn't stop talking. And I cried. And the thought that kept reverberating through my head was, "Dumb as a fucking potato"
I got a ride home though. It was incredibly enjoyable. I actually was a little sad that I live so close. The ride made it a more positive experience, but I still didn't want to go back. In particular I figured the pastor wasn't a fan of me. So I figure, experiment done. I don't need to do that ever again.
The pastor works at my school. He's a pastor (no shit) and he really doesn't appreciate swearing (sorry bro). Back to that later.
Last hour at school I'm a teacher's aide. For the most part I completely hate it. Today was particularly bad because I was so tired and I had had an intense day, because S had been in the hospital for 14 hours. I might tell that later. I didn't get started on the jobs I'm supposed to do all the time because as previously stated i am dumb as a fucking potato. I sat curled up on the ground with my eyes closed. Then I had to explain not having my jobs done which was something like I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. Whatever. So I clean. Every time I clean classrooms I'm impressed by how much stuff there is everywhere and I end up with a feeling of, seriously, you are a grown adult. Clean up after your damn self!
But I digress.
After i finally finished my jobs (The first time ever I'd finished them before leaving) the lady D asked me to remind mr. D (totally unrelated to other d's) that he needed to take down all these pictures that were lining the walls or they'd get thrown out. I reminded him and I got the response of "oh yeah. take those down and bring them to me"
I was stunned. I was entirely not happy about doing this job. Midway through my friend A (brother of the first D, confused yet?) came out of his class struggling with a cart and I said I'll help you if you'll help me. So I start to help and said something like "I'm going to put up a notice. If you leave your damn picture on the freaking hall I will rip it in half"(bolded to indicate volume) and passionately told him some part of why I was so frustrated.
This is when it comes back to the pastor, because he happened to walk right there, right then.
Oops.
After putting everything away we go to the piano (we like to hang out there. A is a piano prodigy) and I start talking to A about how i can't go back to his youth group again, because their pastor probably thinks i'm crazy and/or emotionally unstable. A says maybe that's why I should go. I say I don't need to change pastor's opinion of me, that i don't care but find it interesting. A murmurs something. "what?" "nothing" and I go back and forth with him for a couple minutes of "teelll meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" and "I didn't say anything!" when D the first walks up. I tell him to try and beat it out of A or something and he asks what A said.
"I don't know. That's why I'm asking"
"well what was he saying?"
"[some bs about how i don't know because i don't feel like telling d the conversation]"
"what were you guys talking about?"
Ummm....
Something about me going back to their youth group.
So I tell him. And A interjects. And D says that he would be delighted to have me and is that a good enough reason to go?
Way to appeal to my vanity. I'm a sucker.
I protest my plea about the pastor. He has the same thought as his brother especially in that maybe I need a release for my emotions. So that I don't, for example, start crying and yell mild profanities at his brother.
I might go to his youth group on sunday.
Somehow I found this conversation so uplifting.
D said the pastor actually really likes me.
Yeah. I don't know why either.
I always assume no one likes me. Mostly because I'm incredibly annoying. But I think people might actually like me a little bit.
I like them.
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