Even in the darkness, every color can be found.

This is a post I've been trying to work out for a while.


Lately I've been feeling quite grim. Just the past few weeks I've been hit with these feelings periodically. Feelings of just. Drowning. Wanting to quit everything. Wanting to cut my arms.
And yet I still feel unbelievably happy some of the time.
I'm having a lot of trouble doing school.
Here's the thing about these feelings, the thing I wouldn't have ever considered a few years ago.
They go away.
They'll just dissipate, especially when I find something positive to focus on.
It can take a while, but treading water is better than drowning especially when sometimes I'm just overwhelmingly happy or just...overwhelmingly content. With this deep joy. It's how I feel right now.
Cutting is a weird thing. I don't exactly want to do it but sometimes I do. sometimes I want the release and i want to have it as a crutch I guess. And I'm ashamed to say sometimes I think of it so that people (but only some people) would see my arms and talk to me and know something's wrong. I guess cutting as a cry for help is a relatively common thing to do but it seems so tacky to me.
Anyway.
A few weeks ago it got just really, really overwhelming.
I took a green sharpie out, and I wrote Strong on my wrist.
And it helped immediately.
Everytime I saw that, more than just feeling less inclined to cut, encouraged.

Please don't see this, freak out, and try to save my life.
I'm fine.
Life can't be perfect and I'm okay with that. I enjoy coping.
I'm a big girl, and I can handle myself.