The other A

I want to write about this departure, but I'm rather at a loss of what to say about it.

Should I talk about the vicarious excitement for their new adventure? How sad I am that they're leaving? All the good times we've had? Where does one start. This is something I just don't know. How strange it's going to be to know of P without ever seeing her. Am I going to be one of those people I was confused by as a child, like “I don't know you. Yeah, I’ve gotten bigger. This happens.”?

When I first heard A was leaving, I was in a Costco. I got a phone call. “Did you get the letter from the church?” I bugged a man I'm currently resenting because my abrasiveness doesn't phase him and thus doesn't help alleviate my feelings. He called me. I cried. In a Costco.

The next few days were pretty shaky. But I started to get over it. I deal with things by bottling them up and dealing with them on my own. Crying inconveniences me like none other. I like being in control of my emotions. I rarely cry in public. But when I get home, where it's ok to cry, I still don't want to cry. I shut it out. I get very irritated when people bring it up. I don't w ant you to hold me, I want you to leave me alone until I get off the brink of tears. And then I still won't want to talk about i t.

This morning was their last at this church. I found myself extremely prickly towards people. Don't. Touch. Me. But as I hugged H goodbye....I realized I was hugging her goodbye. And I started tearing up and developed a squeaky voice. And when I hugged A I lost it. I love H, she is an a amazing woman but a) I haven't known her as long b) she didn't go on all the trips and c) since she had P she stopped hanging with the youth as much (Which I fully understand and support mind you).

Things are different with A. This is saying goodbye to stupid inside jokes (See “Cup-CAKE/Hat/sweater/car”, “I WISH I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE LEGS” and “Laooooora”) This is saying goodbye to someone who helped me get the help I needed. Goodbye to the best bible studies I've ever been a part of. To preaching and teaching working hard and goofing off hanging out and talking about tv. Talking about Jesus. A was there when I got saved (Along with a few thousand other people but still), he baptized me (even though i wasn't saved at that point so it totally was not legit). He's known me from when I was a really obnoxious 11 year old brat until now. I think I've changed a lot.

Saying goodbye to P is a bummer. She is precious.

Saying goodbye to H is really sad. She is awesome.

Saying goodbye to A....There's a reason I don't talk about it.

I'm really ugly when I cry.