It's complicated.

Recently, I made what seems like the biggest decision ever: to leave the church I've been at since I was eleven.

I haven't told many people yet.

I feel really weird about this, and here's why.

I love love LOVE the youth there. Not for any trips or activities, but I genuinely care about the people. I'm maternal, most people become my ducklings. It freaks me out not helping them, even if my help was only an illusion in my own mind. I like to think I've played a part in the growth of some of them, and I really care for them a lot. I made some amazing friends even this last summer, and because college ate my social life, I already miss them. It hurts me to leave them, and I'm not going to sever all ties, but this is not working.

I haven't attended an actual service in such a long time that I literally can't remember. The two or three weeks per month that I'm not working with the kids, I sleep. This isn't the church's fault. But when I have gone, even just around the church for sunday school or before nursery, it feels weird. I don't feel like I fit, and I'm strangely okay with that. I don't feel the need to.

I care about the people. But the church doesn't feel like a family anymore. I feel so stagnant. Part of that is my rampant spastic tendencies which result in me being unable to sit still for the time it takes to listen to a sermon. Part of it is I don't have a church. I feel no drive to attend this church except for when I have promised to be there.

It's vital for a christian to have a church home. I don't know where mine is just yet, but I can pretty definitively tell you where it's not.

I feel much more comfortable at one church in particular. The church of misfit toys. The pastor has ADD, so he actually keeps up with my brain. But I don't have transportation there.
This other church has a great atmosphere, but I'm not sure about it. I'm going to work in their nursery at least a little, because they really need help and the kids speak the language I'm learning.

Maybe I'll go to misfit toys on Saturday nights, and Other Church on Sunday mornings. I don't know yet.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll get the same results. This is a very weird decision for me to make, I've never been in charge of my church attendance to this level before. I hope this church works for the people who are there, but it doesn't work for me. I will miss some of the people profoundly, but I need to be elsewhere.